Being human is a mix of pain and pleasure. And most of the time, there’s more pain. Boredom for one, is a form of pain that we try to escape from on a daily basis. It’s normal to want to escape, but it’s also natural to be judging yourself for it!
This is a continuation of my adventure in Portland. Last week I wrote about how I’ve been stripped of everything that I do that make up my identity. If you haven’t read it, CLICK HERE.
On that first day of going back to work, all I had was… work, which really made up only about 20% of my life. Everything else, all a sudden became inaccessible to me.
I found myself desperately looking for something to do just to pass the day. My husband didn’t have much problem with it, he has a job that occupied 9 hours out of his day. All a sudden, the urge to just go find a job is stronger than ever.
Money was always a good motivation to go find a job, or stay in a job that I didn’t like. I never thought escape is an even stronger motivation for me to go find a job. I honestly would have become a day laborer just so I don’t have to face this empty space in life!
Immediately I started judging myself for all the things I was doing in my regular life, and questioning was I just trying to escape by doing them?
I asked myself: What would I be doing if I don’t have to think about money, accomplishment, cool factor, and without any other hidden agenda?
I realized with everything that I’ve been doing, there’s always an agenda hidden behind them. The minute I think about pottery, my mind jumped to how do I sell them. The minute I think about yoga, my mind jumped to how to get private clients. The minute I think about climbing, my mind jumped to how cool it would be to see places other people can’t get to.
But more importantly, with everything that I’ve been doing, I loved every minute of it.
Would I still do pottery if I don’t ever sell them? Definitely yes.
Would I still do yoga if I don’t ever become a yoga teacher? Probably yes.
And would I still climb if access to cool places isn’t exclusively mine? Hell yes!
What causes agony is not whether I’m escaping, it’s the judgment around it.
We are talking about our hobbies, daily routine here. So when you are judging yourself for doing those things to escape, it becomes a brutal daily browbeating. I invite you to ask yourself, would you do that to your best friend? Would you judge her like that?
If our desire to escape is normal for human beings, then judging ourselves for it is also natural. What if… everyone does it and we just have a different flavor of it? Can you find some compassion for yourself to allow yourself to escape the pain of being human once in a while?
When we stop judging ourselves for what we do, we can finally be free to enjoy it.
If I can stop judging myself for thinking about selling pottery, then I can be free to make pottery however way I like. If I can stop judging myself for thinking about becoming a yoga teacher, then I can enjoy the class so much more.
Because our mind is so good at making up escape plans, it’s going to make something up whether you like it or not. What if… you can just acknowledge your escape plan and allow it to be there, and give yourself a choice?
You get to choose what to do with your life. You also get to choose whether to judge yourself or not.
What are you judging today? Will you let go of your judgment to set yourself free? Share in the comment below.